I had an abortion 5 years ago. I was 24 and lived with my long-term boyfriend, Ben. I’d had a coil fitted so pregnancy wasn’t a worry for me.
But one Christmas I realised I hadn’t had a period for a while and I had a funny feeling I might be pregnant, even though I knew the chances of this happening with the coil were slim.
I went to my doctor and he said that it was unlikely too, but I knew I felt strange so he did a test anyway. I went away and didn’t think too much more about it and when I went back for my results I was sure I couldn’t be pregnant.
When I found out the test was positive I think I went into shock. I felt like the world was falling down around me. I phoned my mum and dad and said I didn’t know what to do. Part of me felt quite numb.
Everything was going around and around my head. Deep down I didn’t agree with abortion but I’d just finished uni and got a job and I knew Ben wouldn’t be happy about it.
I went back home in tears and my guess was right. Ben said he didn’t want kids and that I’d trapped him. He locked himself in the bedroom for three hours and wouldn’t talk to me. I felt so let down by him – I knew I didn’t love him anymore.
I went back to the doctor who worked out that I was about 4 months pregnant. I asked him what I should do – I just didn’t know which way to turn. I was terrified of being a parent but I wondered whether I could live with the guilt of having an abortion. I knew Ben would leave me and I couldn’t face being a single parent. My mum had brought us up on her own and I couldn’t put my child through that – it was so hard.
My mind was split in two. I had a scan but I made an appointment for an abortion too. I couldn’t think straight. My mum and dad said I should get rid of it and Ben wouldn’t speak to me. He told everyone we knew that I’d trapped him. I was showing by now so everyone at work knew as well.
All the time I was trying to get used to being pregnant – the changes in my body, the morning sickness. When I went for the scan the woman asked me if I was going to keep the baby, which I thought was odd.
The appointment from the abortion clinic came through for a ‘pre-consultation’. Ben came with me and I had another scan to see how far along I was. There were two training students in there with us so we were made to linger over the images of our baby longer than normal. I wanted to scream out that I wasn’t a science experiment. But even after that Ben still didn’t want the baby.
I went in to see the abortion doctor and she said that it wasn’t too late to change my mind. Then she gave me an appointment for the following Saturday and explained the procedure.
Saturday came and with just me, Ben and the doctor in the room, I took tablets which would starve the baby of everything it needed to survive. I was asked to go home for the weekend and return on Monday to be given a pessary which would bring on false labour.
Back at home, Ben said that I had a dead baby inside me. What I really longed for him to say was ‘don’t do it’ but he never did.
I returned back to the clinic on Monday morning not knowing what to expect. Ben would only stay with me until 12 o clock as he was going to work and I was so scared of being on my own.
The nurse was quite nasty to me and made me feel cheap but once she knew I was pregnant because of coil failure she was nicer. I suppose in her eyes I wasn’t promiscuous then. I was also asked if I minded the baby’s remains being used for medical research which I thought was inappropriate.
The intense pain of labour came on suddenly and lasted for what seemed like forever. I felt like I’d wet myself but the nurses told me my waters had broken. Then everything came out. I wanted to see what was there and there lay an actual baby – hands, eyes, nose, everything. I have never been so traumatised in my entire life.
They removed the clots and I came home. A few days later I developed an infection so severe that I couldn’t walk. Dan wouldn’t look after me and he left. He also said that he thought we’d done the wrong thing by having an abortion! It was too late and my world had fallen to pieces.
I went back to work at the shop after two weeks but there seemed to be babies or pregnant women everywhere I looked. Everyone at work was ok – they knew I didn’t have an option, but I didn’t talk to anyone about it.
For months I didn’t talk to anyone about what had happened. A lot of the time I felt numb about what I’d done and about Ben leaving me. I changed my job to one in another city but there seemed to be no escape from what had happened.
June was the turning point. I had some sort of breakdown. I quit my job because I couldn’t cope with seeing pregnant women and babies in the shop.
Back at home I was leafing through Yellow Pages looking for help, I think, when I saw an ad for LIFE’s counselling. I phoned the number and spoke to Elaine. She couldn’t believe that I’d been through all this on my own, with no support or counselling.
5 years on I still get support from Elaine when I need to, especially on the anniversary of the abortion. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t picked up the phone and spoke to her that day. The first two years were so hard. Even now, there are still moments when I think that I’d have a 5-year-old child now and I can’t forgive myself. I’m not sure I ever will.
People need to know both sides of the story about abortion. It’s no quick solution. Still now, I have no relationship and live alone; the thought of a relationship doesn’t appeal to me. I also don’t have a job.
I think that what LIFE does is so good and not enough people know about what they do. Who knows where I’d be now if it wasn’t for Elaine?